Archive for November, 2006

What a surreal day for a humble publicist To kick off the winter season at Wookey Hole we staged the first extreme eating competition to be held in the United Kingdom a media event that had all the usual Borkie DNA.

I watched Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas a small American weighing only 7st 7lbs eat her way through 48 mince pies in five minutes. The room was packed with TV crews and snappers I felt like it was a stunt pulled from the mind of David Lynch. Sonya proved she’s the giant of the world eating scene.

Extreme eating is a competitive sport in America and I reckon it might catch on here. I hope to put up a film of the day tomorrow but for now enjoy a slice of the coverage on the Today programme. I love the way the organiser Ryan Nerz from the International Federation of Competitive Eating takes on cynical BBC Radio 4, a shining example of countering PC.

I think everyone should by Ryan’s book Eat This Book: A Year of Gorging and Glory on the Competitive Eating Circuit, its a stocking filler.

I am very pleased to announce that we have become the UK distributor of the Universal Bullshit Detector Watch™ which is a must for any frustrated PR exec. The owner of the watch can now comment with humour at any time during a meeting or presentation when a client or a fellow professional starts to froth at the mouth. The watch flashes, moos, poops and also tells time!

The Universal Bullshit Detector Watch™ is the invention of Joey Skaggs He is one of my all time heroes; in a nutshell Joey is America’s most notorious socio-political satirist, media activist, culture jammer and hoaxer. His most notorious scams have included the April Fools Day Parade and a Native American surgeon who transplants scalps for people who want to cure their baldness. My personal favourites were the Cathouse for Dogs (1976): Skaggs published an ad for a dog brothel in The Village Voice and hired actors to present their dogs for the benefit of the Midnight Blue cable TV show (NY’s first late night cable TV sex show). The prank annoyed the ASPCA and the Bureau of Animal Affairs until Skaggs revealed the truth after a subpoena. ABC picked up the footage without questioning it, ABC later won an Emmy. The original producer,still refuses to believe it was a hoax He later topped that with a Celebrity Sperm Bank (1976 scam where Skaggs organized a sperm bank auction in New York; the sperm bank was then robbed and semen was supposedly taken as hostage.

The secret behind the Universal Bullshit Detector Watch™ is a speaker that spouts mooing and defecating sounds, which are elicited by a button the watch wearer presses. If these foul-sounding emissions don’t convey the bullshit detection well enough, the watch also has a flashing light. Both the sounds and light continue for up to 8 seconds.

Anybody who would like to get this ultimate Christmas gift or stocking filler for the PR with everything, then email sherry@borkowski.co.uk. It’s not cheap.

“In hell, nothing you have done will not be watched.” From Household Gods by Anne Stevenson.

In hell, your every indiscretion
will be picked over endlessly
on freeze frame repeat
and your life will be condensed
into daily half hour slots of pain.
In hell you will live forever
and learn how to attract flies.

In hell, each blinkered and unworthy thought
each curse, each brief display of hate
will be broadcast at high volume
to anyone who cares to listen
with running commentary from smug demons
who’ll pull at their sharp suits
and smile inscrutably, while you scream
into your pillow of thorns,
as they edit out your achievements
to please the crowd.

In hell you will dress to kill or be killed
and in the evenings go out to the hot spots
with a host of others,
all of you hoping to be saved.
You will be cut to pieces
by paper knives each morning
and will have to stitch yourself together
in time for interviews,
in which your gut-wrenching past
will be dragged out and given
new, unpleasant meaning.

In hell you will be a celebrity
amongst thousands of celebrities
all of you famous for nothing more
than an unending scream.
You will long for the still,
silent heaven whose gate you missed
on the way down,
lost in an unending conversation about yourself.

 

 In Hell: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Google’s Blog search facility corroborates Emily Bell’s notion in the Media Guardian today, that the Blog world needs to be conscious of the inner tosser that exists in all of us who feel the need to “opinionate”. The thousand of PR blogs that proliferate daily, suggest that the wave of opinion does not have the cut through yet. I am never surprised at the continual level of sideswipes made at me or Max Clifford. After all, we put our views forward so we should hear the opposing comments. But the rise in PR blogs suggests that this counter comment is beginning to verge on the obsessional. Surely there are other issues to be investigated about the heart of our trade? It’s for this reason that I have always tried to distance myself from the heart and soul of the public relations business. I feel too much of the PR industry sits about all day pinging one another with catty stories, instead of getting on with its work. The media arena sometimes pre-judges PR because of this perceived bitching on their client’s time and money. I do think certain areas of PR are ill-conceived and terribly cosy, from the mere headcounts of celebrities to what people believe PR is – ie talking a good game is sufficient,when they have no idea what that game, let alone the job is. I hope and pray that this is contrasted with the Borkowski approach; hard work, wit, trust, long-term strategic thinking, risk, a certain joy in creating something that actually stands up, and super-serving the client and the media.

My scribblings sometimes generate greater interest in other arenas of the media which goes to show that there is a desire to see the other sector of the industry. I have an unproven conspiracy theory that the Ab-Fab clichéd lifestyle is a convenient cover rendered by the industry that has more sinister aims. Innocently served by the glib, self centred narcissistic and the useless, it damages some great professionals that are out there. I have no problem with a good wrist-slap or sometimes a bigger kicking, (I should be able to take it now), I just wish there was more focus on some of the heinous crimes of our trade. In fact, I will go further and say that if employees toiling for companies owned by networks, that distance themselves from a conscience, perhaps shouldn’t blog or go on record pointing the finger at cleaner operations that take a harder look in the mirror. In January 2003, I wrote an article about how the U.S. administration set about persuading the American people to back the first Gulf War. I don’t think it was published, possibly for legal reasons, although it did no more than recount facts already in the public domain. Type Nayirah Hill and Knowlton into Google, and the top link is to an article entitled “How PR Sold the War in the Persian Gulf”, To be brief, the article exposes how PRs completely fabricated a shocking story of how Iraqi soldiers had thrown babies out of incubators in Kuwait, in order to harden public and political opinion in support of a declaration of war. It also exposes how much the PRs earned off the back of it.

It’s interesting that every time I mention this in the context of ethics, or indeed I try and talk about how the tobacco business goes about its information crusade, I generate such a level of emails and blogging that suggests maybe some companies have the resources to neutralise certain debates. It’s going to be more difficult to effect change when the democracy of blogging is used as an example of purer word of mouth. Think about it, who can afford the time to offer ground shaking opinion when there are all those crazy parties to go to, and gyms to shape up in. After all, nobody wants to employ an ugly PR lovely.

Jackie McQuillan Branson uber PR, puts up with the exuberant publicist at the after show party. I cheekily suggest an upgrade on my next flight to LA on Virgin Atlantic

Mark declares his love of Coronation Street to Nickie Sanderson and her agent.

I celebrate the fantastc TV coverage and now time for bed Zebedee

Before I wind up for the weekend one last thought. Great bit of utter bollocks about Noel Edmonds in today’s Daily Mirror. I hope the Mirror isn’t wasting money on tipsters. Sounds like Benjy the Binman is back in action.

NOEL’S CELEBRITY ‘NO’
Mirror.co.uk – London,UK
By Nicola Methven, Tv Editor. NOEL Edmonds has threatened to quit his Deal or No Deal hit TV show if bosses demand a celebrity version. …

Jagshemash!!!! I must be careful how I say this but could there be a Borat backlash.

Already the media are reporting various legal actions being threatened by some of the more humourless victims of the fictitious foreigner’s pranks in “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”
Perhaps it’s no surprise that those who were ridiculed in the movie have
chosen to act so ridiculously. The US of A is litigation heaven and film companies are seen as good targets, with oodles of cash to plunder, despite the intrinsic irony in a couple of college students who didn’t read the small print of the contracts they signed suing because they were portrayed as dim wits.

What’s more interesting to me is the way the Kazakhs themselves are belatedly coming to the aid of their new national hero. Having initially suffered a majorsense of humour failure at Borat’s lampooning of their glorious nation, theys ubsequently enjoyed a massive surge in tourism to their hitherto undiscovered land.

This has not gone unnoticed by the Kazakh powers that be as they count their
tourist dollars, and they have sensibly decided to capitalize on this unexpected PR windfall.

The Kazakh president, Nursultan Nazarbayev,
(and his own) career-long international invisibility, has launched a globaloffensive by making state visits wherever there’s a cinema showing Borat.

There’s a PR firm called MMD which has an office in Kazakhstan and has been all over the media suggesting that it’s behind this change in Kazakh fortunes. But I smell a more professional hand helping here.

The campaign was already taking shape on the eve of release of the hit film
(which made its money back on its first day in US cinemas). First there was a four-page ad in sections of The New York Times and the International Herald Tribune at the end of September.

Then, quicker than a Republican aide could whisper “world atlas” to George
Bush, Nazarbayev visited the White House. Oh to have been a fly on the wall
of that particular meeting of minds.

This week the canny Kazakh has been in London, taking the sting out of the
cinematic attack on his country in the best way possible – by pretending to like it.

Yesterday in the Spectator the president scribbled a feature pointing out
the various misconceptions made by the film, which will at least clarify matters for a handful of public-school Tories, if not the rest of us.

It’s too early to judge if the president’s charm offensive will be effective but what’s already clear is that Sacha Baron-Cohen is facing flak and the Kazakhs are looking forward to an injection of foreign cash from film fans looking for an exotic holiday destination.

Somewhere in Kazakhstan there’s a man making fermented yak’s urine into
alcohol and laughing all the way to the bank.

If you can be bothered to part with £175 + VAT pop down to the Southbank and hear me and a bunch of uglies blabbering on about word of mouth. Billed as the ultimate conference on winning the battle for word-of-mouth communications, I shall be opening the proceedings. The venue is, wait for it, The Dental Institute, Guys Campus, St. Thomas Street, London SE1 9RT that’s next Friday 1st December 9.30am – 4.20pm. The happening has been put together by my old pal Andy Green, who I met twenty years ago in a toilet in the Dorchester Hotel. We were both pissed at some awards do and have been pals ever since. I rate him as one of the real people in the cess pool of PR bullshit The programme of talks look cool I hope they are prettier than the photos of those delivering them judge for your self Download file
My blather is titled “Wisdom amongst the discarded ice cream tubs, wet tissues and Kleenex wrappers – or never diss a theatre cleaner!” I hope people will find it engaging if they don’t then I am sure Andy will give them their money back. Seriously folks there is some fantastic stuff and wisdom on offer so book or be square.

“The new Britney Spears soap opera, centered on her marital problems, seems to be holding its own against the real news agenda… such was the perfection of the strike against Spears’ wayward spouse Kevin Federline, it managed to generate ink even when the global news agenda had more momentous things to consider.” Mark Borkowski, Stuntwatch, November 13

Britney Spears once more endears
herself with the worldwide press
as a slimmed down, sussed up superstar
who can fit back in a dress.
Now it’s no more punch drunk lover’s tiffs
and no more sportswear hell
and she’s toe to toe with Paris Hilton
as a ballsy, buffed up belle
who will give away her sex tapes
free for all to see
and will dump her toxic husband
with a text or into the sea.

She’s a mother, she’s an icon,
she’s a tickertape parade,
she’s a branding opportunity,
she’s who must be obeyed.
She’s cool, she’s sexy, she’s in command,
she’s making column inches rise
and if a new record comes out soon,
please don’t act surprised.

Britney Spears once more endears
herself with the worldwide press
as a slimmed down, sussed up superstar
who can fit back in a dress.
She’s clawed back her celebrity
with a military-style coup
and it’s borderline whether Kevin Federline
will have anything left he can do
but rot in the stew of his own greed
and rue his stupid mistake
as Britney shoots into orbit
and leaves everything in her wake.

She’s a mother, she’s an icon
she’s a trash aestheticist’s dream
she’s a branding opportunity
she’s the cat who copyrighted cream.
She’s cool, she’s sexy, she’s in command,
she’s making column inches rise
and if a new record comes out soon,
please don’t act surprised…

 

 One More Time: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Speed-reading the daily papers this morning, I noticed that an old quote I’d made about the Paul McCartney v Heather Mills divorce battle was resurrected
as a nib inThe Times.

I originally made the comment on BBC Radio Five News and Sky News when the media was feverishly speculating about the leaked court papers.Considering my angst about quotes being filleted and then used at a later date by l those who want to take me down a peg or two, (OK, so I deserve it on occasions), I thought I would reiterate the point.

Weeks ago I came out to say that in the PR war I thought it was very astute move by Heather’s llegal team, Mishcon de Reya, to bring the old corporate war horse, Shimon Cohen to the party. I have to confess I know the veteran Cohen: I met him years ago when he worked on the Andrew Lloyd Webber (whoops, Lord Lloyd Webber) account for Tim Bell (whoops, Lord Bell). I had offered an opinion about ALW in a magazine article and he was quick to snail mail (yup it was that long ago, people still used the post to make a point) me his thoughts on my position.

We agreed to have coffee to settle the issue and we parted as professional pals. He made his client’spoint and I saw the other side of the issue. I recognised how difficult his job was, working at the time for the Lloyd Webber organisation,which he handled with charm and grace. Some of the great PR operators, particularly in Tinsletown, have a magnificent way of saying “no” – or being firm -without slapping their proverbial dicks on the table.

It’s a skill that isn’t easily taught. I believe the elegance of media relations is being lost and is being replaced by a hardcore paranoia driven by a belief that the news and feature media is the enemy. I advocate that the trade needs to spend less time pinging one-line emails and more in building meaningful relationships with the press – the people that so many of those starting in PR industry seem to dread.

The Blogosphere and the digital ghetto grow minute by minute, and are a fabulous outlet for instant opinion. But even in the age of 24/7 wi-fi and hand-held broadband access, you can’t beat good old-fashioned human contact