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Have you overdosed on the X Factor? Are the opinions of the judges getting you down? Have you felt like venting your feelings about the loss of your favourite contestant? Did Danyl’s departure in the semi-finals really get your goat? Did Lucie losing out to Jedward rile you to the point of despair? Or are you simply sick of the whole ‘poptastic’ shebang?

If the answer to any of these questions is “YES”, Borkowski has a couple of tasty slices of satirical goodness to ease your rage, two fine diversions from a toxic weekend of TV carnage. In a burst of pre-Christmas generosity, we present The Exterminating Factor, a neat-but-twisted X rated game that allows the player an opportunity to vent their destructive feelings. All within the bounds of legality and common sense, of course – we are in no way suggesting that the game’s scenario should be re-enacted in real life.

You see, this twisted little game allows the player to shoot virtual nails into the disembodied heads of Simon Cowell, Danni Minogue, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh – and what would there be on TV worth being ranted and fulminated about if The Exterminator Factor were taken too seriously and acted upon in real life?

Better just to play the game and feel that shiver of nervous satisfaction as the first virtual nail strikes and two smaller judges’ heads burst from Simon Cowell’s smiling face. Or gasp as the dimpled smile of a tiny Cheryl Cole disappears forever in a hail of virtual nails.

Based on the gaming classic Asteroids, The Exterminating Factor is the perfect way of letting loose all your pent up frustrations at the 21st Century’s premier talent contest cum soap opera. Click on the picture to access the game.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Borkowski also presents a sharp, satirical poem for all the pacifists and non-gamers out there who are tired of celebrity for the sake of celebrity; of popularity contests masquerading as talent contests; who cannot bear to see the world and its wife doing everything in its power to be famous.

The Sleb’s Prayer, by the remarkable poet Adam Horovitz, features music based on a sample by great 60s garage rock band, The Groupies. The track has been wrapped up in Mel Rodiq’s stunning video in the style of magazines like Heat and OK. You can see it below.

One of my friends, the filmmaker Tony Kaye, is in London this week to
launch a series of Design Inspiration events at The Cube Store, a
unique, pop-up destination and creative forum in Brick Lane set up to
celebrate the launch of one of Japan’s greatest design icons, the Nissan
Cube.

To celebrate Tony’s arrival in the country from LA, I am running my
second Twithibition live online exhibition today (Friday 27th Nov 09),
following him around London in a Nissan Cube and revisiting all the
sites of the greatest myths surrounding his career – from his
installation of a hired homeless man named Roger at the Tate Gallery in
London with Hype Art to the stunning, visually arresting adverts he
helmed – even the banned one I was in – and the packed out Curzon
screening of Lake of Fire to the Attack on Hollywood launched from the
Borkowski office.

I did probably the last noddy on Shilpa Shetty for Radio 5 Live this
morning for the breakfast show. What more can be said about this woman
who came up with the spontaneous sound bite last night?

“This country has given me so much. I just want to thank all of Great
Britain for giving me this fantastic opportunity to make my country proud.”

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Lets face it Channel 4 are guilty of revenue chasing. I am sure both
Endermol and the channel are hoping the tornado will pass before they
come up with a strategy rebuild. I think it’s deeply ironic that the
totemic Estuary bint that has plundered the post Big Brother universe
for revenue should return to finish it off.

Mark discusses the PR implications with Eddie Mair on the BBC Radio 4 PM programme, 18th January 2007

Celebrity Big Brother - the fall out Download

Cultural engineering proved to be an exciting craft for the Hollywood studio publicists who created endless stories to promote actors and actresses alike. It was reported that Jayne Mansfield made everything in her house pink. She had a pink heart shaped bath installed in her bathroom, along with a pink outdoor pool. She had a bespoke pink heart shaped bed in her bedroom in which she posed regularly for photographs. It was also reported that Peter Sellers of “Dr Strangelove” and “Being There” fame, would only sleep in a bed that faced in the East West position.

Lupe Velez insisted that all her photoshoots took place in her bedroom with full view of her polar bear skin rug which stood at the foot of her life size statue of the Madonna and Saints. She was especially proud of her 8 ft bed with its rainbow shaped head board, decorated in gold, silver and black lacquer. Unfortunately the publicity for this woman occurred in another age, where celebrity was no where near as powerful as it is today. When Lupe committed suicide, the famous bed only sold for $35.00. The great Harry Reichenbach created the myth that Mae West claimed she did her best work in bed, where she regularly entertained in her golden shell shaped vessel. It was reported that one of her sexual marathons lasted fifteen hours, and all her interviews took place while she was in bed.

Sarah Bernhardt, the famous silent movie actress of the 1900’s was given a quirky habit of always sleeping in a satin lined, rosewood coffin. She had suffered from TB when she was a child and wasn’t expected to live, so her parents had the coffin made for her. She survived the disease but kept the coffin and in later life had many a sexual tryst inside it. Having had over 1000 lovers in the coffin, she was eventually buried in it. As Jim Moran once famously said “there’s nothing more dismal than a fact”.

Marty Weiser, the Hollywood publicist, was famous for his inspired premiere party for Mel Brooks’ cult film Blazing Saddles, which starred Gene Wilder and Cleavon Little. Mel Brooks took a risk when he allowed Weiser to stage this stupendous publicity stunt in a disused Drive In movie theatre.

In keeping with the film, which was a pastiche on the old Westerns, Weiser insisted everyone turn up not in cars, but on horseback. The evening itself proved to be fraught for Weiser as nobody turned up on time and the movie producers began to berate him for it being a stupid idea, believing no one would be there. However, after a few minutes, a horizon full of people appeared on horseback and trotted into the drive in. They had been shepherded and given a police escort because of causing traffic chaos, so arrived late but en masse. The stunt was a massive success and gained worldwide publicity.

Truly inspirational ideas these days get binned because of the supposed risk factor when so much money is involved. That’s why it was good to see the two live penguins ice skating at the Rockerfella Plaza in New York for the premiere of “Happy Feet”.

Weiser inspired many publicists in the 1960’s and 1970’s, but general information on these stuntsters is rare. I have been sent some material which includes information on a man called Freddie Gove, who was a mad prankster who invented crazy ideas and events to promote his clients. One of his first creations was a robotic shark that he made to promote Speilberg’s “Jaws”. He apparently pitched a man who could unravel Rubic’s cubes with his feet for a Rubic’s Cube launch.

Gove was a man with extreme genius, but also with a definite personality disorder which was revealed perhaps in his “extreme” promotional toys. To promote the first “Star Wars” movie, he invented a plug in lightsabre that actually had an electric charge. For the Freddie Krueger sequels, he designed a prototype Freddie Krueger glove, equipped with real razors for fingers. Unfortunately at the time, these were relegated to the dustbin of lunacy by the movie producers and distribution companies who he tried to sell them to, which seems incredible nowadays, as if the prototypes were available today, they would be priceless.

“Yesterday the Liberal Democrats cemented their reputation as a party struggling to be taken seriously after Lembit Opik, MP announced that he had split with his television weather forecaster fiancee and was dating one half of the kitsch pop duo the Cheeky Girls.” The Guardian, 18/12/06.
The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Tony Blair might make of this, given his current desire to bury bad news…

I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and resurrect my career.
I must just date a celebrity
and I’ll be in the clear.

Of course I’m a leader of men
and if I’m to ditch Cherie
I must find a celeb the whole world loves
who’s not been on reality TV.

A Cheeky Girl’s perfect for a Lib Dem
as they’ll never amount to much
but a genuine saviour needs more grace and favour;
a Labour leader needs a gold-plated crutch.

I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and turn my misfortunes around.
I need to date a celebrity
who cares about the fate of the pound.

I need a celeb with a tough constitution
who’ll stand up to accusations of sleaze.
It’s a shame Diana died when she did;
she’d have handled my needs with great ease

and I think we can discount Britney Spears
as too lowbrow to do me much good.
Paris Hilton’s too man-ish, Penny Cruz far too Spanish
and Winona Ryder’s just misunderstood.

Yes, I’m sure I can learn from Lembit
and stave off political shame.
I must just date a celebrity
and play the Heat magazine game

but there are no celebrity women
who are quite as strong as my wife.
She’s Lady Macbeth crossed with a letterbox.
She keeps Gordon at bay with a knife.

But I’m in trouble and she can’t help any more.
I must take on my opponents and deck ‘em.
There’s just one solution to avoiding persecution.
I must marry David Beckham.

I'M SURE I CAN LEARN FROM LEMBIT Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Bishop of Southwark faced his congregation recently sporting a black eye after admitting that he could not remember being “mugged” following a drinks reception at the Irish embassy. Witnesses, however, say he clambered into a stranger’s Mercedes and started throwing toys on to the road. When asked what he was doing by the car’s owner, the Bishop replied: “I’m the Bishop of Southwark, it’s what I do.”

I’m the Bishop of Southwark
and this is what I do:
I throw toys from the pram
when I’m in a jam.
What’s it got to do with you?

Oh I’m the Bishop of Southwark
and this is what I do:
I set fire to my mitre
with a cigarette lighter
I throw toys from the pram
when I’m in a jam.
What’s it got to do with you?

Oh I’m the Bishop of Southwark
and this is what I do:
I stagger round drunk
then I do a bunk
I set fire to my mitre
with a cigarette lighter
I throw toys from the pram
when I’m in a jam.
What’s it got to do with you?

Oh I’m the Bishop of Southwark
and this is what I do:
when I’m seeing stars
I break into cars
I stagger round drunk
then I do a bunk
I set fire to my mitre
with a cigarette lighter
I throw toys from the pram
when I’m in a jam.
What’s it got to do with you?

Oh I’m the Bishop of Southwark
and this is what I do:
I wipe the slate clean
with a glass of potcheen,
when I’m seeing stars
I break into cars,
I stagger round drunk
then I do a bunk,
I set fire to my mitre
with a cigarette lighter,
I throw toys from the pram
when I’m in a jam.
What’s it got to do with you? Oh!

THIS IS WHAT I DO Play Now | Play in Popup | Download